I Hate Hating

Why is it that there always feels like there is someone out there who gets the perfect life? I'm not saying I want the perfect life, but being consistently miserable, depressed and self-hating even when I'm not trying can be a little overwhelming. You know sometimes in books they act like after years of pain or abuse or injustice or unfairness all of a sudden everything just works out and you don't feel that way anymore because it's all great, but I really don't believe that. I think if you're use to everything really sucking you kinda prepare yourself for it even when things are going great.
It must be the same with sickeningly happy people. There is this girl from high school (lets call her Mildred, because that's a perfectly awful name) who seems to have had everything given to her. It's crazy but she is tall and beautiful with luxurious dark hair and a great complexion. She was usually happy and would go around flirting with the boys (something I didn't recognize becuase I was such a late bloomer). It was like she floated from one to another and they all stood with their mouths open ga-ga-ing at her. Looking back it was pretty sickening. She tended to flirt with whomever she wanted including the guys her sister dated. I still don't know what it was about her, but somehow it was like magic, they all just fell into her lap and she could use or abuse them in whatever way she liked and they didn't seem to mind. When one did finally break out of it all, she stalked him in the most terrifying manner, and would break down crying and screaming when he was hanging out with anyone but her (although they had broken up). I just remember her standing up in the middle of class screaming at a movie we were watching because it hit home for her, that somehow the guy would come back to the sniveling, crying wench of a woman. But of course, he took her back and now they have two adorable perfect children living in a perfect and beautiful life. How I hate them. I really don't know if she deserves to be hated, but it's probably something to do with her sweeping her hair around at all those around her implying that she is the ultimate view on perfection and no bad will ever come to her. And it doesn't. She just posted "I'm the luckiest girl in the world", surrounded by an adoring husband and adorable children. She wasn't lying. She is the luckiest girl in the world to have so much perfection all at once. To have everything, family, job, love, children, I just don't know if its because she could just carry a little bit of that magic with her and spread it around where ever she felt like putting it. How do people get that? I don't understand. Yes, I'm jealous, terribly jealous because nothing seems to ever go right, not then, not now. does it mean I was doomed to be unhappy because I couldn't get it right in high school and she was fated to live happily ever after because of this ability in high school? Some of you might say "well, I'm sure she has her bad days that you don't know about". Nope. I've talked to many of her closest friends and herself and her life is perfect. "we've never had any problems, and why would we?" She never complains, because she has nothing to complain about. It freakin sucks. Bitch :P

Stalked by Star Trek

Here I am again, happily blogging about the crazy stuff that happens to me. Again, I have to blame this on my completely dead dating life and total lack of male interaction - but I had this crazy dream last night / this morning.

Just a little bit of history about me. Because I've been married before and have had a fair amount of joyful foreplay and afterplay I think I'm pretty accustomed to missing what I don't have. Due to this I'm guessing my subconscious is trying to make up for it...thus I'm having really sexy dreams involving some very unexpected characters.

About a month ago and had a super steamy dream about Professor Lupin, who I had never considered attractive, but obviously my crazy subconscious did, and after we messed around for a bit, I really woke up to the fact that I find that guy pretty dang hot. Of course, the dream was shattered after I woke up and did my research, finding out he's dating an absolutely beautiful woman and has a four year old daughter - totally ruined my fantasy. I can't fantasize about him now knowing he's really happy with some model-looking chick. If he was single, I'm sure he would have been a reoccuring character in my mind.

So, since that unexpected disappointment, I happily start dreaming about Julian Bashir, from DS9 (for all those star trek fans out there). Yeah, I'll fess up. When I was like 14 I really thought Bashir was a real hotty, don't know why, just fell for his dark hair and innocent "I'm a doctor not a (fill in the blank here) schtick. Anyway, I was happily enjoying my dream that involved a few moments of sheep eyes between myself and Bashir, (and strangely also involved him doing surgery on a baby bunny (what a great guy) and Miley Cyrus (who I don't approve of) showing up for dinner, what can I say I have crazy dreams). Anyway, right when Bashir and I are about to head outside for some "star gazing" (yes that is in air quotes) My real life little brother slams some door in the house while getting ready for work and totally pulls me out of my very enjoyable slumber.

I have two options, wake up and just bask in the few memories of Bashir and I staring longingly into each other's eyes or....
Take over and direct the dream myself.

Of course I decide to direct the dream. For those of you who've been woken up unexpectedly in the middle of a great dream (and I mean Tony the Tiger GRRRREAT!) it's always a good idea to try to see if you can keep the magic going with just a little conscious influence.

Unfortunately for me, after laying back down and re-starting my dream, apparently my conscious was a lot more excited than my subconscious, and kept on making things go a lot faster than they normally would. Before I knew it I was half way to a nude scene outside on a trampoline (which was colder than it sounds, but I do enjoy my trampolines).
Before I knew it the relationship was going far too fast for me. I started worrying about where it was going to go, how we were going to stay together, what if he was from California and only got weekends off etc. and really hoping Miley wasn't peeking through the kitchen windows (you have to keep the R rated down for the kids). *Sigh* Before I knew it, I had completely confused Bashir with all my concerns and he actually stopped to get dressed. We had to end the relationship because we I really didn't know where it was going and I didn't want to give up all the candy without some sort of reassurance for later, and he just seemed confused and ready to try elsewhere.

Resolution:

Even in my dreams I'm a failure! :(

Resolution #2:
Bashir is single in real life *wink*

Screw Facebook!

Yeah, screw it I say!

I don't really like facebook. I just recently got it, because I wanted to stay in contact with one of my work buddies who is leaving (I'll miss you mysterious person!) Anyway, I don't trust it at all. What creeps me out is the discover that friends I had intentionally never wanted to know each other, suddenly are facebook pals. Do you realize what this means? No, of course you don't, your just a blogging site. What it means is that my nicely compartamentalized groups of relationships are now intertwining uncontrollably, leaving me open for unfair comparisons. I don't like this concept at all, and if' it's at all confusing I'll explain here.

Friend from one compartment: Oh hey, I saw you're friends with (insert my name here), she's such a quarky girl, don't you love hanging out with her?

Friend from other compartment: Dude, what? she was such a bitch to me, I hate that chick. I don't know how you ever thought she was cool.

Friend 1: Seriously? What do you mean, what did she do?

Friend 2: She fired my ass. the only reason I have her on this stupid page was to suck up in the first place. Now that I realize it I'm totally *DELETING* her.

Me: *sigh*

It's like I'm a female John Tucker who just had his game revealed. This totally sucks :(

Lesson Learned: Don't compartementalize yourself. It's only you who gets hurt in the end :P

P.S. I love my blog. You rock blog! *hug*

I'm in love with anime characters and it's driving me CRAZY...

I'm just going to use the fact that no one who knows me follows this blog, so I have a lot more freedom with writing what I want to. So, here it goes....

I'm in love with some Anime characters.

Okay, there I've said it. I'm not in love in some sort of weird obesessive sick way, but when certain characters come on, I admit I get a little turned on. Maybe it's their voice, maybe it's cause I've been single too long or just not enough male interaction for forever, but Tamaki and Keyoyo from the Ouran Host Club are freakin' hot.

I'd take Keyoyo first, cause something about his solemn, silent, shockingly intelligent, deep thinker really gets to me. It's a turn on. I'm on the hunt for a real Keyoyo.

Tamaki's okay, but I really can't last with idiots for very long, they bore me, but pushing his buttons would be more than consistently hilarious.

I'm all for Ed from full Metal too,

but ultimately I'd like Zero from Vampire Knight. I find him seriously irresistible, sexy silver hair. And again, this might be out of complete and utter desperation (extremely likely) but he's just too hot when he's behind Yukki and doing his whole hot vampire thing.

Anyway, this whole post is far too much proof that I have a hidden life of nerdy appreciation, but I had to express my love for Zero and Keyoyo (and Keyo from Fruits Basket). Why can't love be as easy as Anime?

Why I Hate Valentine's Day

No idea, but I still hate it. There is something that simply irritates me about the holiday. It's a mixture between the commerical overratedness of it all and the sappy love sick puppy. It keeps me at arms length because it really is such a holiday. Jack told me I was bitter, so that must bring on a distaste for sappy goop. Anyway, I think it's a dorky holiday and I hope they plow it away with something worthwhile - like celebrating termites. That would be much more useful.

Crazy files

So, yeah, I did decide to do the intensely disturbing act of organizing the folders on my two laptops (count them, not one, but TWO!) my jump drive, phone card and Ipod, and syncrinyse them. It would have gone over much better if I could actually spell syncrynize (yep, got it wrong that time too.) Anyway, so I've spent the day organizing that, along with making breakfast (pancakes and overcooked eggs) and cleaning my house, which included doing two loads of laundry (though it looks like we have about three more to go). I also spent the day arguing with my lovely six year old daughter who doesn't like my music and is strangely involved with Techno (I'm blaming YouTube, and let it be a warning to all the mothers out there). Apparently she is an avid fan of Sailormoon and it has a lot of techno connected to it's fanbase.
Somehow I feel a little crazy about the whole thing not to mention the massive feelings of guilt I have for not being the greatest mother in the world. I'll fess up. I'm a homeschooler, and it's a little intimidating. I mean I know Lincoln only went to sixth grade and still made it as president, but I really would rather play it safe and have my kid actually consistently learning just so she can be somewhat literate as she grows up. I mean, I was homeschooled for a while and I' came out find :P
Anyway, there's this mild joy that comes with blogging on this because I don't have to worry about anyone I know actually reading so I feel I can be a lot more honest. Let's just put it this way. Over the last couple of years I think I can honestly say I was going insane. I'm not joking either (ha ha ha). I've been pretty close to turning myself into a clinic somewhere (but since I don't have magic powers...j/k) but I think I've mostly gotten past that extremely rocky hill and not there really isn't a lot left for me. I guess I feel like I'm on a plateau and I'm just tired of climbing. I just feel tired.
Without having my own school classes to push me along everything is so much easier and I just want to slump more (can that word even be used in that context?). Slumping...now slumping...calling all slumpers....yeah I think so. Anyway, my house is a lot cleaner than usual, I make more food than usual, shockingly enough I actually do exercise more than usual, but somethings missing. I think I'm actually depressed. I feel it in my soul, just a sickness in the back that keeps being there making me want to give up. Ugh, I hate that feeling. Blah. Anyway, here's goes for my emo posts, yay Emoness! (is that a word?) :P

Dangerous Beauty

I just don't want to forget this awesome quote. I found it in my "cool quotes" folder while I was organizing my computer. It's from Dangerous Beauty,

"When she dies she'll wonder why she obeyed all the rules of God and country, because no biblical hell could ever be worse then the state of perpetual inconsequence."

Yes...this is an awesome quote.

The Joy of Not Knowing What the Hell I'm Doing

So, despite the infinite joy it gives me desperately researching for a literary agent for my novel, somehow I'm just not having fun yet.

Little did I realize that looking for an agent, least of all a publisher, is potential hell. It seriously sucks. Maybe it's that I'm not precisely sure I know what I'm doing, yeah I'm pretty sure that's it. It feels like stepping in cold water and I don't know how deep the pool is, nice and shuddery (if that's a word :P, don't think it is).

Anyway, if you are a sad, alone, pathetic female who can somehow relate to this (or male I'm not sexist) I really feel sorry for you. Relating to people is a gift, seriously sucks for you at this point.


Have a great day! :P

Salutations

So, I guess I did the unimaginable, and finally broke down and got a blog. Painful really. I'm hoping it's not a sign that I'm selling out to the digital age.