"I Thought You'd Jump"
I thought you'd jump the edge with me,
We were so high, we both were free
But I found myself alone,
Flying from that earthly zone.
Ethereal ways I thought we'd wander
Through the stars and across the water
Hand in hand to a magic place,
Of love and peace, so interlaced
But when feeling for your fingers
The wind caught mine, a chilling linger
Why didn't you tell me your fear to stand,
Least of all to leap from land?
Dark and dreary though it be
Your mind found comfort more than me
"Let us fly away," I said
But you would rather stay there, bled.
I cannot change the wind for you
I cannot stay within this slough
Waiting for your leap of love
To join me in the clouds above.
The choice you make so absolute,
No clouds above will you salute.
So when I fly, I fly alone,
And you remain an earthly drone.
Starring at the sky and sea,
Wishing to one day be with me
A wish is all you keep with you,
While I have stars and sun for view.
"My Frozen Heart"
It's red right now, I feel the blood
It bleeds, it hurts, it is in love
I cannot live my live like this,
This bleeding heart I must dismiss.
I can no longer feel your warmth
Or hear your laughter full of mirth
It hurts too much to think it through
When all I want - to be with you
The cold sets in, the pumping stops
My blood is still, my temperature drops
The fear is forgotten now in time,
My thoughts are steady now in line
I can no longer drift with you,
Gone so far, so long from view
My thoughts are stilled, lost in time
My heart is frozen, stopped mid-chime
So in the freezer my heart must go,
I'll save it for another blow.
Who knew you'd make me freeze my heart
By forcing us to be apart?
The cold is good, I like it better
Then the painful, drifty weather
Of my warm and bloody heart
That always hurt most in the dark.
I thought you'd catch me if I fell
I thought I knew you just that well
But now I'm left to think it through,
Every last moment I spent with you.
It eats me up, it tears me raw
I don't want it to ever thaw.
This heart so dangerous to me,
Whispered things I thought we'd be.
But now it's frozen good and well,
Stock-piled where leftovers dwell.
I will not bring it out it seems
Until you fade from all my dreams.
And then again I'll risk that shelf,
And find that part within myself
Where frozen hearts can thaw in peace,
And then I'll throw it in the streets.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My Boys
So after years of emotional trauma, chocolate and two sessions of therapy I thought it was time I blogged about my men/boys. For a long time (ever since I gave them theme songs in fact) I've felt the need to go through the various relationships I've been a part of just to review the situation and possibly examine my role in the crash and burning or just step back and laugh, depending on what need arises.
Here I thought would be an excellent place to expound on those matters. If you get bored easily listening to the crazy details of a subversive female, stop now. If not, please laugh at my agony while you discover why I'm a cold-hearted, un-tearing, analytical feminine entity who probably over-thinks everything including the plucking of chicken feathers (no offense to poultry out there).
I'll go chronological for the sake of clarity:
Nathaniel:
Theme Song: I'm too Sexy by Right Said Fred
Our Song: Kiss From A Rose (first time we danced together)
Was I desperately in love with Nathan? Yes. Sadly, he was my official first love. I met him when we were both 12 and he told one of his friends he thought I was cute. Being easily swayed by compliments I fell head over heels for his absurd and sometimes embarrassing tactics. The kid had no limits to what he may or may not do. Seriously, he shaved his eyebrows, dyed his hair blonde and let us shave one of his legs once. He was extremely motivated, chrasmatic, optimistic, intellectual and just fun loving, what not to adore right? Plus, he liked me. We lived with his family for a few months and he ended up being my first kiss. Despite how very slobbery it was, I was sold. I pretty much had the wedding planned along with our three adorable brown haired children that had their father's eyes. Sadly, after about a month of holding hands and kissing, and my parents bashing him constantly, he dumped me. It was the most heartbreak I've ever felt. "Oh, to be young and to feel love's keen sting". To add a insult to injury he added that I "kissed funny" and "did annoying things" - no specification was ever given, it kinda tormented my life for ten years, what were the unspeakable annoying things I did? Did I twist my hair Bella-style and stutter or did I have a funny laugh? Was there food in my teeth a lot? Anyway, to add more insult to injury he took up with one of my best friend's sisters very quickly and I had to step back and watch them flirt in open public for the next two years while I felt my heart dying inside, piece by piece, closing off around me. Yeah, it sucked. A couple years later Nate and I made up and we were friends. The sting is still there occasionally when I see their cute kids but, I don't think it was meant to be ha ha (obviously). We still have good conversations lol.
Jacob
Theme Song: You're so Gay by Katy Perry
Our Song: Alone by Heart
Aw, Jacob. One day I was sitting at some youth get together talking to one of my friends Rachael (I was fourteen, two years after the Nathan break-up) and I'm telling Rachael that the guy in front of us is cool. It was said really unemotionally and I wasn't really thinking about it, but she asked in the typical girly fashion "Oh, do you like him?" and I was about to say "no" but I stopped and thought and it dawned on me like a light breaking beyond the clouds that yeah, apparently I did. "Uh, yeah, I guess I do." She giggled, cause that's what all girls do when their friends tell them they like boys. From that day on I was a little bit crazy. I would call it stalkerish even lol. Sadly my mom had never been around to give me background information on how not to terrify the opposite sex so I broke all the rules. Remember Kate Hudson on "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" yeah...that was me, times sixty. I stalked him like an incessant puppy dog. I swear the poor guy probably couldn't go to the bathroom without me keeping track of it. I used to drive by his house just to make sure his car was there. I had his license plate memorized so I could verify if it was his car I saw somewhere (seriously, I'm not making this shit up). At parties I would talk to people, but really I was just stalking the door until he showed up and I could follow him around and maybe jabber on about something he was definitely not going to be interested in. He threw me a couple pity dates because I was so conveniently always available, and I made best friends with his younger sister. Just as a note, I don't remember thinking I would make friends with her just because I was pathetically in love with her older brother, because we did end up being pretty good friends, but I was always trying to squeeze her for information, I don't think she liked it, lol. Anyway, one day I cornered the poor guy in the computer lab (I was probably about 15) told him I was desperately in love with him (really I did) and I think I may have said something about wanting to marry him (I'm really hoping I didn't but I can't remember). He couldn't get out of the room fast enough while mumbling/yelling something about how I should try to date around. *sigh* Two years of absolute dedication and beyond clingy patheticism (I don't care if that's not a word) I found that I was in love with a guy who would probably never give me the time of day and I think was honestly terrified of me. Can I just note that he's still single and has never had a serious relationship 12 years later...yeah, I like to think about that. Luckily, in walked my next relationship.
Joe:
Theme Song: Maragaretaville by Jimmy Buffet
Our Song: Finding Me by Vertical Horizon or For The Longest Time by Billy Joel (Joe's Pick)
So, I'm sixteen, wasted four years of being desperately in love with two guys that aren't the least bit interested, and one day I'm out doing something and one of my friends tells me that this guy from high school said something about wanting to kiss me. You'd think I'd be insulted, in fact I thought I would be insulted, but no, I'm seriously flattered. I had never even considered Joe as a potential interest, but after that he was the most beautiful guy in the world. I fell again, except this time someone caught me.
Between my mom and my relationship ending, my dad not being around and my friends having their own boyfriends, it was the first time in my life that a guy, yes an actual peer male was somehow interested in me. More than that, he loved to hear what I thought or said or did about anything. We had secret messages and inside jokes and kisses and hanging out and plans and phone calls and missing you all the time. It was wrapped up in this beautiful world that finally seemed to include me. It was addictive and I was hooked. Joe and I were the easiest relationship I've ever been in. We didn't have to try , we just were. Of course, no one approved of us at all. My dad couldn't stand Joe before we even started dating, my friends thought he was a loser, my mom wouldn't speak to him, but we had each other. It was like we were fighting a war just to be with each other and we would do anything to win. We would prove them how wrong they were ha ha ha! Fast forward a year, I was 17 and we decided it was about time we tie the knot. I would never be with another guy, I knew that and I definitely didn't care. We had religious issues, he didn't have a job, we had no where to live but who needs all that? We were in love. We were idiots. We got married, I got pregnant, the beautiful world that we were fighting for collapsed beneath our feet and all that was left was the doubt that remains when love isn't enough. By the time it was over I hated the very sight of him and wanted him to never talk to me again. It was a great ending to a short marriage. After that I decided I would really do what I should have done and marry the guy I was meant to be with, of course our church prophet who was 45 years my senior, that would resolve all my problems.
Jim:
Theme Song: Better Man by Pearl Jam and Foolish Games by Jewel
So, what can I say about being married to someone the age of my grandfather? Well, probably that if we had actually lived together we wouldn't have gotten along. He liked country music for heaven sakes, and the Bar J Wranglers, no thank you. The man had never even listened to Broadway, except maybe accidentally. Anyway, after two years of the occasional scheduled sex date and a couple appointments to talk about our life together wherein he commented on my shoes and the weather in California I realized that I was absolutely miserable. That's not including the 15 other women he was married to and the psychotic control freaks that included. We didn't bond, we had hardly any relationship but something I'm very grateful for is he really opened me up sexually. Being very experienced he showed me the ropes, something I had always been very terrified of now seemed natural and entirely unemotional. I learned about sex and how meaningless it really was, no wonder I had an affair after two years...
Ben:
Theme Song: Collide by Howie Day
Our Song: 18th Floor Balcony by Blue October
Ben was this sad little boy who was 19 when I was about 21. He had just broken up with his girlfriend the year before, was extremely depressed and insecure because he had gained weight and thought no girl would ever look at him again. He was pretty dorky looking lol. We ended up working together though in two very separate offices. He thought things I said were deep and intellectual and I thought he was funny and sweet. I warned him that nothing could ever come between us but the more we talked the more I realized how much we desperately needed each other. We both talked about being suicidal, about what death meant and where it would go and I was miserable. The best part of my day was getting on my computer and chatting with him about anything and everything. Going to work was all I looked forward to. I was working three jobs from 9am to 12am and trying to avoid my crazy sisterwife for as long as possible. Ben was my stability. He was there if I had a bad day to listen and sympathize, though he had no idea I was a polygamist or even married. He made me laugh and smile at a time when nothing I could do was right and there was nothing funny to laugh at. No wonder things happened. I moved to my own apartment, had insomnia from so many hours, learned to adore cappuccinos and put 4,000 minutes on my phone in one month. We were constantly in contact and it felt good. Someone was willing to catch me, to be there and listen while I was dying inside, screaming at the top of my voice without hearing it myself. Fucking shit. It was a horrible time lol, but I found peace in talking to him. He grew up a bit and I regretted my decisions, I ended up telling Jim about the affair and immediately lost everything I had been working towards for years. My religion, my friends, people even offered to take my daughter to "save her" from her evil mother. It was a great fucking time.
Nicholas:
Theme Song: Complicated by Avril Lavigne
Our Song: Pretty Girl by Sugarcult
After I wasn't allowed to talk to Ben I went through the darkest period of my life. It had been dark before but nothing like this. I went numb about everything. There was no emotion left in me only thoughts and focuses, but I couldn't feel anything anymore, until I met Nick. Nick was hot - an immediate detractor. He knew he was hot. I'd never actually gone for a hot guy before and I wasn't very secure with the idea but he was into me, and not just into me but he was smart and funny and sweet and cute and I couldn't help falling in lust with him. All hell had broken lose and I couldn't feel anything for months and then there was this really cute funny crazy guy who wanted to talk to me everyday and I couldn't believe it. The problem was that he was a womanizer and I didn't even know what that meant. We ended up making out once and I could only assume we were in a relationship, but he wouldn't tell me anything about his personal life and he had girls contacting him all the time. It was a bit devastating, I didn't realize there were guys out there that would make out with you and then go off to make out with someone else, not guys who paid you attention and compliments and called you "effing adorable" and gave you nicknames like "doll and sweetie" not those guys. No, womanizers called you and wanted sex and then never saw you again. They didn't want to go places with you and hold your hand in supermarkets and then text you and ask you out, did they? Sadly, I realized they did, and I was already hooked. I think I went a bit pathetic on Nick because one day he asked me what made me want to talk to him so much. I realized that I was that girl back in high school, desperately stalking yet again and I had to stop. That's when I ended it and ignored him. I don't think he noticed that much, though I get a yearly email from him asking how things are in which he never follows up to my response. He was amazing, but horrible at the same time and the best kisser in the world, damn him :P
Elijah:
Theme Song: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Our Song: Linger by Cranberries or Existentialism on Prom Night by Straylight Run
Elijah will always be a martyr in my mind lol. I guess that's what happens when someone dies at the peak of your relationship. Man, we fought like no other because we were both so bloody opinionated, but we fought in a way that we could laugh while doing it and that is something that is hard to accomplish. Elijah was an a amazing and highly annoying guy. Super skinny, he was about 6'4' and weighed 125, no joke. He had hyperthyrodism and hated swimming. He played computer games and was a theatre nerd. He could sing like Buddy Holly and actually impersonated him professionally. He also smelled better than any guy I've ever met. He had a formula he used that he told me about ("it uses vanilla, because 90% of woman prefer the smell of vanilla" he once told me) and it's true, I love vanilla. He gave me the best hug I've ever had also. We were in Salt Lake, standing outside the catholic cathedral and he hugged me and held on to me for a half hour, neither of us talking, both of us just knowing. We were each other's anchors in the storm of insanity that waved through both of our lives. The girl he was in love with had left him and I knew I could never have Nick, but Elijah and I had each other and that was enough.
Typical Elijah: The two of us arguing about whether or not Hamlet was a douchebag to Ophelia. I thought of course he was, but three hours later Elijah showed me Hamlet was a confused insecure little Prince of Denmark. Bloody Brilliant. I loved him, and he loved me, but we were never in love with each other, but neither one of us seemed to notice. I still miss him. There are days that I want to call him and see what he thinks about something and the ache still hurts. Bastard. He made it so I'll always miss him lol.
There were a couple weird random interactions guys who range between fuck buddies and stalkers but no one really meaningful. Maybe that's why I miss Elijah off and on. Anyway, now that I'm dating I thought I would write all that down so I can remember theme songs, those are extremely important you know. :P
Here I thought would be an excellent place to expound on those matters. If you get bored easily listening to the crazy details of a subversive female, stop now. If not, please laugh at my agony while you discover why I'm a cold-hearted, un-tearing, analytical feminine entity who probably over-thinks everything including the plucking of chicken feathers (no offense to poultry out there).
Nathaniel:
Theme Song: I'm too Sexy by Right Said Fred
Our Song: Kiss From A Rose (first time we danced together)
Was I desperately in love with Nathan? Yes. Sadly, he was my official first love. I met him when we were both 12 and he told one of his friends he thought I was cute. Being easily swayed by compliments I fell head over heels for his absurd and sometimes embarrassing tactics. The kid had no limits to what he may or may not do. Seriously, he shaved his eyebrows, dyed his hair blonde and let us shave one of his legs once. He was extremely motivated, chrasmatic, optimistic, intellectual and just fun loving, what not to adore right? Plus, he liked me. We lived with his family for a few months and he ended up being my first kiss. Despite how very slobbery it was, I was sold. I pretty much had the wedding planned along with our three adorable brown haired children that had their father's eyes. Sadly, after about a month of holding hands and kissing, and my parents bashing him constantly, he dumped me. It was the most heartbreak I've ever felt. "Oh, to be young and to feel love's keen sting". To add a insult to injury he added that I "kissed funny" and "did annoying things" - no specification was ever given, it kinda tormented my life for ten years, what were the unspeakable annoying things I did? Did I twist my hair Bella-style and stutter or did I have a funny laugh? Was there food in my teeth a lot? Anyway, to add more insult to injury he took up with one of my best friend's sisters very quickly and I had to step back and watch them flirt in open public for the next two years while I felt my heart dying inside, piece by piece, closing off around me. Yeah, it sucked. A couple years later Nate and I made up and we were friends. The sting is still there occasionally when I see their cute kids but, I don't think it was meant to be ha ha (obviously). We still have good conversations lol.
Jacob
Theme Song: You're so Gay by Katy Perry
Our Song: Alone by Heart
Aw, Jacob. One day I was sitting at some youth get together talking to one of my friends Rachael (I was fourteen, two years after the Nathan break-up) and I'm telling Rachael that the guy in front of us is cool. It was said really unemotionally and I wasn't really thinking about it, but she asked in the typical girly fashion "Oh, do you like him?" and I was about to say "no" but I stopped and thought and it dawned on me like a light breaking beyond the clouds that yeah, apparently I did. "Uh, yeah, I guess I do." She giggled, cause that's what all girls do when their friends tell them they like boys. From that day on I was a little bit crazy. I would call it stalkerish even lol. Sadly my mom had never been around to give me background information on how not to terrify the opposite sex so I broke all the rules. Remember Kate Hudson on "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" yeah...that was me, times sixty. I stalked him like an incessant puppy dog. I swear the poor guy probably couldn't go to the bathroom without me keeping track of it. I used to drive by his house just to make sure his car was there. I had his license plate memorized so I could verify if it was his car I saw somewhere (seriously, I'm not making this shit up). At parties I would talk to people, but really I was just stalking the door until he showed up and I could follow him around and maybe jabber on about something he was definitely not going to be interested in. He threw me a couple pity dates because I was so conveniently always available, and I made best friends with his younger sister. Just as a note, I don't remember thinking I would make friends with her just because I was pathetically in love with her older brother, because we did end up being pretty good friends, but I was always trying to squeeze her for information, I don't think she liked it, lol. Anyway, one day I cornered the poor guy in the computer lab (I was probably about 15) told him I was desperately in love with him (really I did) and I think I may have said something about wanting to marry him (I'm really hoping I didn't but I can't remember). He couldn't get out of the room fast enough while mumbling/yelling something about how I should try to date around. *sigh* Two years of absolute dedication and beyond clingy patheticism (I don't care if that's not a word) I found that I was in love with a guy who would probably never give me the time of day and I think was honestly terrified of me. Can I just note that he's still single and has never had a serious relationship 12 years later...yeah, I like to think about that. Luckily, in walked my next relationship.
Joe:
Theme Song: Maragaretaville by Jimmy Buffet
Our Song: Finding Me by Vertical Horizon or For The Longest Time by Billy Joel (Joe's Pick)
So, I'm sixteen, wasted four years of being desperately in love with two guys that aren't the least bit interested, and one day I'm out doing something and one of my friends tells me that this guy from high school said something about wanting to kiss me. You'd think I'd be insulted, in fact I thought I would be insulted, but no, I'm seriously flattered. I had never even considered Joe as a potential interest, but after that he was the most beautiful guy in the world. I fell again, except this time someone caught me.
Between my mom and my relationship ending, my dad not being around and my friends having their own boyfriends, it was the first time in my life that a guy, yes an actual peer male was somehow interested in me. More than that, he loved to hear what I thought or said or did about anything. We had secret messages and inside jokes and kisses and hanging out and plans and phone calls and missing you all the time. It was wrapped up in this beautiful world that finally seemed to include me. It was addictive and I was hooked. Joe and I were the easiest relationship I've ever been in. We didn't have to try , we just were. Of course, no one approved of us at all. My dad couldn't stand Joe before we even started dating, my friends thought he was a loser, my mom wouldn't speak to him, but we had each other. It was like we were fighting a war just to be with each other and we would do anything to win. We would prove them how wrong they were ha ha ha! Fast forward a year, I was 17 and we decided it was about time we tie the knot. I would never be with another guy, I knew that and I definitely didn't care. We had religious issues, he didn't have a job, we had no where to live but who needs all that? We were in love. We were idiots. We got married, I got pregnant, the beautiful world that we were fighting for collapsed beneath our feet and all that was left was the doubt that remains when love isn't enough. By the time it was over I hated the very sight of him and wanted him to never talk to me again. It was a great ending to a short marriage. After that I decided I would really do what I should have done and marry the guy I was meant to be with, of course our church prophet who was 45 years my senior, that would resolve all my problems.
Jim:
Theme Song: Better Man by Pearl Jam and Foolish Games by Jewel
So, what can I say about being married to someone the age of my grandfather? Well, probably that if we had actually lived together we wouldn't have gotten along. He liked country music for heaven sakes, and the Bar J Wranglers, no thank you. The man had never even listened to Broadway, except maybe accidentally. Anyway, after two years of the occasional scheduled sex date and a couple appointments to talk about our life together wherein he commented on my shoes and the weather in California I realized that I was absolutely miserable. That's not including the 15 other women he was married to and the psychotic control freaks that included. We didn't bond, we had hardly any relationship but something I'm very grateful for is he really opened me up sexually. Being very experienced he showed me the ropes, something I had always been very terrified of now seemed natural and entirely unemotional. I learned about sex and how meaningless it really was, no wonder I had an affair after two years...
Ben:
Theme Song: Collide by Howie Day
Our Song: 18th Floor Balcony by Blue October
Ben was this sad little boy who was 19 when I was about 21. He had just broken up with his girlfriend the year before, was extremely depressed and insecure because he had gained weight and thought no girl would ever look at him again. He was pretty dorky looking lol. We ended up working together though in two very separate offices. He thought things I said were deep and intellectual and I thought he was funny and sweet. I warned him that nothing could ever come between us but the more we talked the more I realized how much we desperately needed each other. We both talked about being suicidal, about what death meant and where it would go and I was miserable. The best part of my day was getting on my computer and chatting with him about anything and everything. Going to work was all I looked forward to. I was working three jobs from 9am to 12am and trying to avoid my crazy sisterwife for as long as possible. Ben was my stability. He was there if I had a bad day to listen and sympathize, though he had no idea I was a polygamist or even married. He made me laugh and smile at a time when nothing I could do was right and there was nothing funny to laugh at. No wonder things happened. I moved to my own apartment, had insomnia from so many hours, learned to adore cappuccinos and put 4,000 minutes on my phone in one month. We were constantly in contact and it felt good. Someone was willing to catch me, to be there and listen while I was dying inside, screaming at the top of my voice without hearing it myself. Fucking shit. It was a horrible time lol, but I found peace in talking to him. He grew up a bit and I regretted my decisions, I ended up telling Jim about the affair and immediately lost everything I had been working towards for years. My religion, my friends, people even offered to take my daughter to "save her" from her evil mother. It was a great fucking time.
Nicholas:
Theme Song: Complicated by Avril Lavigne
Our Song: Pretty Girl by Sugarcult
After I wasn't allowed to talk to Ben I went through the darkest period of my life. It had been dark before but nothing like this. I went numb about everything. There was no emotion left in me only thoughts and focuses, but I couldn't feel anything anymore, until I met Nick. Nick was hot - an immediate detractor. He knew he was hot. I'd never actually gone for a hot guy before and I wasn't very secure with the idea but he was into me, and not just into me but he was smart and funny and sweet and cute and I couldn't help falling in lust with him. All hell had broken lose and I couldn't feel anything for months and then there was this really cute funny crazy guy who wanted to talk to me everyday and I couldn't believe it. The problem was that he was a womanizer and I didn't even know what that meant. We ended up making out once and I could only assume we were in a relationship, but he wouldn't tell me anything about his personal life and he had girls contacting him all the time. It was a bit devastating, I didn't realize there were guys out there that would make out with you and then go off to make out with someone else, not guys who paid you attention and compliments and called you "effing adorable" and gave you nicknames like "doll and sweetie" not those guys. No, womanizers called you and wanted sex and then never saw you again. They didn't want to go places with you and hold your hand in supermarkets and then text you and ask you out, did they? Sadly, I realized they did, and I was already hooked. I think I went a bit pathetic on Nick because one day he asked me what made me want to talk to him so much. I realized that I was that girl back in high school, desperately stalking yet again and I had to stop. That's when I ended it and ignored him. I don't think he noticed that much, though I get a yearly email from him asking how things are in which he never follows up to my response. He was amazing, but horrible at the same time and the best kisser in the world, damn him :P
Elijah:
Theme Song: Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Our Song: Linger by Cranberries or Existentialism on Prom Night by Straylight Run
Elijah will always be a martyr in my mind lol. I guess that's what happens when someone dies at the peak of your relationship. Man, we fought like no other because we were both so bloody opinionated, but we fought in a way that we could laugh while doing it and that is something that is hard to accomplish. Elijah was an a amazing and highly annoying guy. Super skinny, he was about 6'4' and weighed 125, no joke. He had hyperthyrodism and hated swimming. He played computer games and was a theatre nerd. He could sing like Buddy Holly and actually impersonated him professionally. He also smelled better than any guy I've ever met. He had a formula he used that he told me about ("it uses vanilla, because 90% of woman prefer the smell of vanilla" he once told me) and it's true, I love vanilla. He gave me the best hug I've ever had also. We were in Salt Lake, standing outside the catholic cathedral and he hugged me and held on to me for a half hour, neither of us talking, both of us just knowing. We were each other's anchors in the storm of insanity that waved through both of our lives. The girl he was in love with had left him and I knew I could never have Nick, but Elijah and I had each other and that was enough.
Typical Elijah: The two of us arguing about whether or not Hamlet was a douchebag to Ophelia. I thought of course he was, but three hours later Elijah showed me Hamlet was a confused insecure little Prince of Denmark. Bloody Brilliant. I loved him, and he loved me, but we were never in love with each other, but neither one of us seemed to notice. I still miss him. There are days that I want to call him and see what he thinks about something and the ache still hurts. Bastard. He made it so I'll always miss him lol.
There were a couple weird random interactions guys who range between fuck buddies and stalkers but no one really meaningful. Maybe that's why I miss Elijah off and on. Anyway, now that I'm dating I thought I would write all that down so I can remember theme songs, those are extremely important you know. :P
Friday, March 4, 2011
Europe or Bust!
I feel so excited and so scared at the same time. I have wanted to get away for so long that the reality of it is hard to sink in. I keep feeling a pounding in my throat that makes it hard for me to breathe and a mass of worries and thoughts keep tumbling into my mind - "What if we get mugged and loose our money? What if we get lost in Europe? What if someone kidnaps us and eats us? What if we get sold on the black market to drug lords from South America?
All these thoughts seem to be hanging on to me, but overall I know I'm going to be alright. I know crazy shit can happen and I don't think everything will fall perfectly, but it will still just be life. Shit happens. So does happiness and awesome amazement and too-cool-for-words. I think this trip is going to me a mixture of all of those things. Do I kinda want to cry a little and have someone hold me and tell me it will be okay? Yes...definitely. I feel like I've just jumped off a big huge beautiful cliff and that the sun is shining through the waves and they are a beautiful blue green, but the rush of the wind and the drop below is terrifying and I don't know what the water feels like. I am pretty sure though - that I'm going to love it =)
Now, I get to get all my moving plans in order. Say goodbye to Sanpete! After May I'm hoping never again to live here (I'm sure we'll visit) but we are probably going to lay down roots in Oregon until January and then we can move to England (hopefully!). This is either the start to a very big adventure or complete insanity. I'm going for adventure, I've been insane long enough, I'm ready to let it go...
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