Who Doesn't Love A Little Blogging Now and Then?

Yes, it's been a while.

No, I can't promise I can do this consistently, (although I will try) and

Yes...my life is extraordinary, in an ordinary kind of way. 

Honestly, the guilt runneth over for not blogging more often, like at all in the last three years, but what can I say?  I've been busy.  Found a husband.  Had a baby (or two), and the silence has been totally worth it. 

Let me explain, no, let me sum up.

I love my life.  It is much better than being strong and amazing and realistic and alone. Now it is fun and playful and loving and barriers down with someone who understands me more than anyone I've ever come across before. Being in my marriage is like not having any brain barriers up, 95% of the time we understand where the other one is coming from, the other 5% just keeps things interesting. 

Aside from that, I'm terrified.  I've lost a great deal of things the last few years.  Belief, support, friends, connection and personal time. Having a husband and kids and no time changes things a lot, friends who are single have lost connection because they can't relate to my daily adventures, and I've moved on from their dramas.  Get married already, have some kids, then we can talk again. Oh wait, we can't because then your kids will be the ones screaming in the background.  Better yet, raise those whelps and we can reconnect in 10 years when our kids have better things to do than follow us around everywhere. Of course I miss my college homies, but honestly, I don't think they miss me, and most likey the frantic "hey, how's it going?...STOP DOING THAT!!!...oh, really, that's great....NO NOT IN THERE!!!...Oh, yeah I miss you too....MOMMY SAID NO!!!...yeah, really?  Is he cute?...NOT THE SIPPY CUP!!!...Oh wow, you should totally ask him out...NO, NOT ON THE BABY!!!...no, really, you don't have to go, I'm sure they'll fall asleep in a minute...I SAID NO!!!!...okay, love you too, bye" conversations aren't their favorites.

I'm scared because so many of the people I've depended upon the last ten years aren't a part of my daily life.  Their assured support, continued advice, and valued humor isn't something that flavors my experience anymore, and it doesn't define who I am now.  It makes me sad. I feel like I've lost some very important part of my personality, something that made me the fun,edgy, amazing person I used to be and now my most defining factor is "mom".  No, I don't think my life is ruined or I regret having my adorable babies, but I do miss looking in the mirror and seeing myself.  Now I'm a new person with new responsibilities and new adventures and challenges that take up the time I used to spend contemplating how I would cope with myself I had a big family. Funny how the world works that way.

:-D