What I Could Have Said

I had lunch with someone I care a lot about today. It was kinda funny because I had been thinking about them for a quite a while. We've had a rough few years, but we were really close in High School and I really wanted to get that back. I texted them and told them we should have lunch so we could talk about our friendship. I'm sure they were amused and surprised, but I realized I just wanted to mend what was broken instead of just wondering why it wasn't fixed. I hate telling people "we need to talk" because that makes everything sound so serious, as if the world depended on our conversation, instead I just told her we needed to talk about our friendship, something that doesn't sound quite as harrowing.

Before we had lunch, I was nervous. I felt my mind go through 20 different conversations I could have with her. "I'm sorry I've been such a bitch. I'm sorry I lied to you so many times. I'm sorry I didn't know what I wanted and I was mad when you pointed it out. I'm sorry I was a slut for a while. I'm sorry I stabbed you in the back. I'm sorry I gave up on our friendship. I'm sorry I didn't care enough about our friendship to do the effort to keep you. I'm sorry for actually being a bitch. I'm sorry for the bitterness I've blamed on you for my own faults. I'm sorry you can't trust me. I'm sorry I didn't know what the hell I wanted and it separated us, I didn't know that would happen. I thought I valued you more."

What I wanted to say so much that it hurt. I knew I would cry when I saw her. I knew I wouldn't know what to say. I knew I HAD to tell her all of that. She needed to know that I didn't blame her, that I knew things were my fault, that I was the one who had changed and that I regretted that. I wanted her to know that I thought about her all the time and the void she had left when we stopped telling each other the deep truth was a pain I deserved. I wanted her to know I was horribly sorry for everything. I wanted to tell her that her kids were beautiful and wonderful and I was so happy for her even if I was terribly jealous over her life. I wanted her to know that it was still me, that I still loved her.

I didn't tell her any of that when I saw her. Despite my camouflage and sunglasses, I was still scared. I was afraid of hearing it from her, of her telling me how bad I was, how hard it had been and how much she couldn't forget. But I learned something about what I could have said, but didn't. We talked about food, we talked about movies, we talked about children, we talked about ex's. I never got a chance to say I'm sorry, but in the end I didn't need to.