Fighting a Fight I Can't Win?

     Sometimes I wonder if I'm just working too hard at something impossible.  The last four years I've been writing a book.  Ha ha, you'll laugh I know.  Everyone has a book hidden under their mattress to pull out if they ever meet a publisher, right? Great I'm doomed then.  I never really planned on being a writer seriously.  I was always going to be a Veterinarian, that was the plan, at least until I was about 14 and I decided the world would end and I wouldn't have time to become a vet.
       Back then I was writing stories almost monthly and I loved it, but it was just a hobby, right?  It wasn't like I could actually do something with that.  That took a serious degree and a lot of training, right? I decided I loved reading, so how much harder could writing be?
      Since then I have really embraced the idea of becoming a professional writer.  It's something I love to do, can't be stopped from doing it and it just seemed so easy.  I've read different authors who talk about how simple it was to get published (well, sort of, but really a lot of them were Cinderella stories) or I would find a published book, read it and think "Man, that could have been so much better if they just did this, and this, and this."  So, I have a huge ego, what of it? *grin*
       Lately though, after re-writing my book (which is about 125 computer pages, the equivalent of about 101,000 words) what seems 75 times, I am starting to wonder if I'm just crazy.  I mean, I read my story and I laugh at all my jokes (I think they are hilarious) and I cry when bad things happen (it's tragic!) but is that what it takes?
     I'm scared for my story, because I love it so much.  I have come to adore the characters in such a personal way, they are totally real to me.  I had friend who suggested having one of the characters do something, and I thought about it, but he wouldn't do it.  It didn't matter how hard I tried to make him do that, he just couldn't.  I realized I was trying to make a good character do bad things, and it was literally was against his nature.  People told me that we had to really like hating him by the end, but it was impossible, he was just too good of a guy. So, I had to revamp and let us hate someone else.  Now he's a future love interest for a main character, and I'm so glad, because really he is a sweetheart. *hugs and kisses to mysterious hot-guy character*
       I'm blaming this extremely under-confident and insecure blog on Writer's Conferences.  I've been researching different Writer's conferences out there, and I'm scared.  It makes me question myself when I read about the different workshops. "Is this what I need to take?  Are my villains, un-villainy? Have I focused on my setting enough?  Does my main character get put through this pre-prescribed serious of events that makes every book more believable?  Are my love scenes credible?  Not to mention, do I have any idea how to write a 'killer' query?  Will someone fall asleep within my first five pages?  Are my hooks intense enough?  Are they too intense?" BLAH!!! *pulls hair out*
          The idea of sitting in a room with a bunch of overly ambitious, amateur writers (I'm including myself here, I obviously have no clue what I'm doing), frantically taking notes and awaiting patiently the words of each speaker terrifies me.  I'm worried I'll look around and think one of two things, 1." Wow, if they can't get published, there's no way I can!" or 2."Oh my gosh, look at this pathetic lot I've found myself immersed with, I think I took the wrong turn to the crazy house, and I'm just hoping they will let me leave unharmed!"  I don't know if I can survive a writer's conference!  I'll probably get too caught up writing about it in my blog while I'm supposed to be listening! *bites nails*
      I sincerely am taking a look at all my psychotic competition and wondering if I will ever live up to them.   Originally, I had no idea how complicated it was to get published.  Between Query Letters, first five pages, Agents, Publishers, Editors, it's a wonder books ever get published.  The more I learn about the process the more terrified I get and I start wondering if maybe it's better to keep a manuscript you love under your mattress for the sake of not allowing it to be defiled by the harshness of the world out there.  My poor darlings!  I feel extremely motherly towards them, I just can't bear the idea of someone tearing up my work and telling me to cut out half their world!
     So, the question is, are they worth fighting for?  Do I love them enough and have enough confident in how real they are to put them out there and let them shine?  I know I don't have much of a choice, they deserve to be loved by other people, just like I love them.  I always fantasize about the day where I'm being interviewed by some news anchor and they ask me, "So, what kept you going with writing, what kept you inspired?"  and I can look at her dyed blonde hair and overdone makeup, laugh and say "I fell in love with my characters, and I wanted everyone else to fall in love with them too!"

I won't give up on you guys!  You are 2 cool 2 4-get!

*Dedicated to Ethney, Illumina, Rahuin and Malcolm!  I love you guys!*