Here I am again, trying to blog away the depression that seems to stalk my life. Of course, my life is made up of some really great things that happen. For one, I'm holding a guinea pig. Yeah, I think they are cute and adorable. For two, I sent a copy of my novel to one of my friends to read it. Who says I won't see my name in print? I just did, as it was coming out of my printer - so there unbelievers! Also, despite living a pretty un-athletic existence and I going to put my small one into soccer and dance (hopefully). I'm homeschooling and I've been kinda worried I would fail, or scare my child to the point that she would hate me cause I make her read instead of watch anime episodes. It's amazing what kind of doubt goes through a mother's head.
Recently, there were a series of suicides that went through my little social community. They made me think a lot about my life. Sadly, they didn't make me more grateful for what I had, quite the opposite - I was jealous. I know you're thinking that's pretty sick and no one should feel that, but I think I had hit a really low when it came to ultimate self-loathing and I just kept asking myself, "Why can't I do something like that? Why am I so weak and afraid that I couldn't end it like they did? What gave them the guts to do that?" Yeah, I know it sounds sick. It just kept pestering me. The last few years have really sucked, and I know everyone is always like "well, it's never worth throwing your life away for" but what if you felt like you were giving yourself a second chance? Like God had given up on you and all you really had to wait for was to die off. Dark thoughts I know, but that's pretty much what I was thinking. The only thing I live for is and has been my daughter. I gave up on myself quite awhile ago.
I saw this movie, "About A Boy" a few years ago, and towards the beginning the mother tries to kill herself but her son shows up before she does, and so she isn't able to go through with it. That scene has stopped me from ever doing anything serious, I don't want my daughter to live without her mother. That's pretty much the thing that keeps me alive everyday. It's been that way for about three years, I really had just given up. Something did change this week though. Because of the issue being brought to the surface, I knew I really wanted to end it, but I didn't have the guts, I didn't want to leave her with a hell of a life. Recognizing that openly, and admitting how close to the edge I was really woke me up. I don't know what happened, but just acknowledging it somehow deflated the idea I had had in the back of my mind all these years. It reminded me of Edward when he tells Bella that he had planned his suicide if anything ever happened to Bella. That was me, if something happened to my daughter - my life would be meaningless.
Anyway, after I calmly and openly admitted that to myself, I felt the desire to do anything completely release and disappear. I don't know if I was being stalked by dark thoughts or if I just called my own bluff but ever since then I don't feel that way. Nothing else has changed and I'm not glowing with inner appreciation over the beauty of the world - but I do feel differently. I don't want to die anymore.
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