Emotions

Emotions are funny things. They are also sad things, and depressing things, and horrible things and joyful things. I've thought a lot about emotions over the years, but I find myself thinking about them the most when I see a situation that is emotional in a way I can't relate to. I was thinking about this the last few days and I realized that I just don't think I have as wide an expanse of feelings as I used to.

I'm pretty sure this is what we refer to as being burnt out. I am burnt out. I'm burnt out on relationships. I get stressed out by them easily, and I give up on them quickly. I tend to work towards them for a little while, but when it takes too much work to get things right I just back off and say "Nope, I don't care, I'm not going to worry about this" and I don't. It's too much for me to work towards, when in the end things just get more screwed up.

Right now, believe it or not I'm actually on the high point of re-establishing relationships. I have realized though, that I never put 100% into any relationship anymore. Even with my daughter, I know that as a teenager she will probably hate me and want to move out and be mad over something I did and I don't really care. I'll do the best I can but I'm not going to put 100% of my focus on that because I'm sure it's likely to be unsuccessful at some points, but life isn't about perfection, it's about dealing with shit. Honestly it is. If she experiences things she doesn't like (like me doing her hair in some way she hates, or wearing clothes or shoes she doesn't like or not going to a party she wants to go to when she's older) than that will give her more power to deal with the vast amounts of disappointment that are sure to be on their way. Yeah, that's a pretty negative view, but unfortunately we haven't been doomed with perfection yet, so I find it's not best to expect it all along, that's how you set yourself up for being sorely disappointed.

Back to what I was talking about though, emotions. Emotions are all the difference. For years, I've tried to handle my emotions so that they aren't right there on the surface, and because of that they haven't been, but they were always in the background and some of the worst things I've ever done were because I didn't acknowledge the feelings I had about things. What I should have told person A was...

"Yes _____ you are a bitch. No I'm not going to do whatever the hell you want. In fact I'm saying SHOVE IT while giving you the finger! So what if you think I'm not doing things right. So what if you think that you have some great enlightenment about how I'm supposed to live my life. So what if I'm younger, sweeter and more innocent than you, after this I won't be! Take that for relationships!"

Or I should have said "No, I don't feel like we are bonded, I don't love you and I 'm not blaming you but I'm updating you. I know you have the world on your shoulders and you're busy, but I actually want a real relationship with you. One where we talk. One where I tell you how my day went. One were you actually give a damn without lecturing me about something. One where we are on the same page instead of you being 40 pages ahead. You haven't given me any of those things, and I've hidden what that I've wanted them for so long, but it's actually wrong for me to be in denial over this and it hurts me physically. Literally, I am dying piece by piece and although I haven't realized it all this time something has to change or there is no way I will survive this."

Those are things I should have said. The mistakes I've made were my own stupidity and I'm taking responsibility for them, and I have been held accountable. I have gone through hell because of my own stupidity. This time, I hope to be a lot more aware of my limitations and what I will and will not put up with.

Someone once told me that you teach people how to treat you and that is absolutely true. I've remembered that in nearly every relationship since then and I take it very closely to heart. I don't intend on being emotionally manipulated again, and I try not to emotionally manipulate. If someone doesn't want to do something you want them to do, then you can sit down and explain your viewpoint (guilt-free) and then allow them to make their own decisions now that they have your perspective to add to it, but I try not to allow my expression of emotion to convince someone to do something I want them to do. I think that's wrong. I grew up that way. I grew up walking on eggshells. I grew up in terror that my mom would not be happy with some choice I made, so I just hid them from her. That was how I was trained to survive - hide everything, say nothing, pretend I'm happy. That's the only way I knew to survive.

I was wrong. Not saying how things are is not the way to go, because not saying it doesn't make it no longer exist, it just hides it for a longer time and soon you wonder if you can find it until suddenly it comes out in a different area completely and you don't know how to handle it. I guess that's what people mean when they talk about healthy relationships. Talking about things instead of hiding them away. I'm scared of people. I get intimidated easily. I'm bullied by people I'm afraid of easily. How do you cope with that? I'm still working on it, but I have found I have to be honest with myself and how I feel first, before I can ever explain it to them. I just hate how I always end up being wrong. How they always make me feel guilty for my feelings. I guess that is good in some cases, but that's also why I've always found emotions such a bad thing - I seem to have the wrong ones all the time. Maybe I'm just mis-wired. If that's even a word.

Maybe I'm wrong, I honestly have no idea. Admitting the emotion exists seems half the battle, and removing the feeling that I need to be in control, is the other half. There's my soap box.