A Day in the Life of a Crazy Woman...

It really isn't too far away, I thought to myself as I grabbed my purse, daughter and iPod and got in the car.  The nearest Grocery Store was only a few blocks away and I just wanted something quick - milk, carrots and cookies, yummy! I put on my sunglasses and turned on the car, contemplating which direction to take.  I was terrified of being seen at the local grocery store, but driving seven miles to not been seen seemed a little crazy. I could pop into the local gas station, but they were so overpriced.  Maybe I could wear a hoody and no one would realize it was me.

I made my way the entire six blocks and parked between two other cars so no one would realize I was there.  Damn that I had a stupid snow rack on my car, I was so easily identifiable. I parked and quickly jumped out in one of those wanna-be-ninja moves, nearly running into my own car in an attempt to get around it and followed closely by my trotting six-year-old.

We wandered through the aisles as quickly as possible, an arm popping out now and then to grab the necessary items. Maybe my sunglasses would hide me from someone - just a delusional hope that gave a mild amount of security.

And then..

There she was - someone I knew. I barely caught her out of the corner of my eye and kept walking, attempting to make a strategic movement around the tiny store without being seen by her. I reorganized the items in the basket on my arm, hiding the cookies and ice cream so no one would see them. I checked both sides of the open aisle before walking in, dragging my distracted child along with me.

So far so good, she had been in the hygiene section checking out shampoos - I should be safe.  I skittled into the nearest checkout counter, positioning myself so that she wouldn't be able to see me over the gum kiosk. Luckily, I was short so she probably wouldn't be able to see me behind it. I loaded all my food on the moving counter, junk food first so it would be the first to be bagged. I held my breath.

My daughter was chatting something to me about kittens or gum, but I wasn't paying attention, Starring forward, I focused on my peripherials. Please let me get out of here before she stops looking at her shampoo bottle! An older man steps in line behind me, at least my rear is protected now.

No!

I could see her over the top of the aisle. It had to be her, she had been the only customer on that side of the store, and her wavy gray and white hair was unmistakable. Shit! What now? I could feel myself cowering as she made her way to the counter.  When surrounded one only has so many options. All of a sudden I was totally engrossed in my debit card - look at the pretty colors on the label, see how it shines when the light hits it? So pretty!

Only a minute more and my groceries would be safely tucked away in my bag and I could run...er...walk ever-so-calmly back into my car.  I was starring forward now, what a lovely cashier, how perfect of a smile, these bags were so white, how nice everything was. I could only put it off for so long though...

That dirty whore. Can you believe this is where she is? After what she did to my husband, I can barely endure the sight of her! And look, she's bought cookies and ice cream. Ha, fat cow.  I thought she was trying to lose weight.  Some good that will do her, she's just like her mother, fat and useless. I can't believe my husband was ever involved with her. 

I could tell that's what she was thinking.  Her words were coming at me as though bricks were being thrown at my head. All the words seemed to be brimming out now, but I had to ignore them, long enough to escape.

Skank

Breathe. It will go away. I grabbed my bags, almost making good my escape when my six-year-old smiles and points.  I can't ignore it, that would be too rude.  I breathe in deeply, cringe and turn around.  There she is.  I fake a small smile and nearly unidentifiable wave, and see her return one of the same degree. Doomed.  I failed utterly in the attempt to pretend she wasn't there and that the voices in my head didn't remind me how much she must hate me.  Or worse.  Maybe I wasn't even good enough to hate.

I scurry out of the grocery store, breathing hard and trying to shove down the feelings that are emerging. One of the top fifty people I didn't want to see on a daily basis.  Can't wait for Sunday where I get to see twenty more of them.

People wonder why I hate church, why I hate people, why I shop online. I don't hate church or people, I just hate the voices in my head that remind me of how much I deserve to be hated.